How To Find Yourself Again in Motherhood (Without Losing Your Role as Mom)
There was a season where I couldn’t remember who I was. Not in a dramatic way, but more like a quiet, gradual slipping. I was so busy taking care of everyone else around me, and figuring out what everybody else needs, that eventually I stopped asking myself what I even needed, because… what was the point?
Motherhood filled every corner of me. And for a while, I thought that meant that my needs had to disappear. That I would eventually someday, focus back on myself again (if or when I had the time). But here’s what I’ve learned. and what research supports: You don’t have to lose yourself to be a good mom. And if you already have? You can come back gently, honestly, and without guilt.
This is how you can start finding yourself again in motherhood, and the practical tools that helped me reconnect to who I am now.
1. I Admitted I Felt Disconnected (And That It Was Valid)
Psychologists call this “matrescence” — the transformation a woman undergoes when becoming a mother. It’s like adolescence, but no one talks about it. There’s an identity shift, a hormonal shift and even a spiritual shift. Everything changes when you become a mother, and most people are completely unaware of just how big those changes are. If you don’t feel like yourself, it’s not because you’re doing something wrong, it’s because you’re becoming someone new… and that process can feel disorienting.
WHAT HELPED:
Naming it. Journaling it. Speaking it aloud to someone safe. This is the first step in identity recovery: honoring the disconnection as real. When you can voice the shift you are going through and bring your awareness to it, it allows you to process it easier so you can slowly shift into the next phase of reconnection.
2. I Reconnected with Who I Was: Not to Return, But to Remember
I used to think “finding myself again” meant going back to my pre-kid self. But what actually helped was gently exploring who I used to be… and asking what still felt true about that version of me. Because the truth is: we are not the exact same as we once were, but there are still elements that remain true to our spirit.
QUESTIONS I ASKED:
– What did I love doing before I had kids?
– What could I get lost in for hours?
– When did I feel most like myself?
WHAT HELPED
- Looking through old pictures from childhood
- Listening to music I used to enjoy
- Reading old journals/social media posts I made in the past
3. I Explored My Core Identity Outside of Roles
According to research in identity theory, humans thrive when they have multiple identity domains (not just one). When “mother” becomes the only identity, it can create fragility because when that role feels hard, we lose our sense of worth.
WHAT HELPED
Taking time to reconnect to identity beyond motherhood, like:
Creative identity- writing, painting, designing
Sensory identity- what clothes, music, scents feel me
Spiritual identity- connection to nature, source, self
Relational identity- who I am with friends, as a partner, with myself
4. I Regulated My Nervous System So I Could Even Begin to Hear Myself
This might just be one of the most important things on this list. You can’t find yourself when your body is in survival mode. And most moms? We live in fight, flight, or freeze every single day – especially if you have babies and toddlers. Being in survival mode like this makes it nearly impossible to truly connect with yourself and identify how you feel underneath it all.
WHAT HELPED
Daily grounding rituals that made space to feel again:
- Breathing slowly into my belly for 60 seconds
- Putting a hand on my chest and whispering, “I’m safe.”
- Sitting outside and doing nothing
- Using my Calm Mom Reset Map on overstimulated days
When my body calmed, my inner voice returned.
5. I Gave Myself Permission to Learn New Things
(Without Guilt)
One of the most proven ways to rebuild identity is through learning and self-expansion. Even small things — a podcast, a book, a new skill — can reignite curiosity and remind us: We’re still becoming.
WHAT HELPED:
- Taking short online courses that lit me up
- Journaling what I learned — even if no one else saw it
- Letting go of needing everything I did to have a “purpose”
- Doing things just because they felt like me
6. I Made Micro-Rituals of Return
Finding yourself isn’t a one-time fix — it’s a quiet, daily remembering.
I now have small rituals that act like breadcrumbs back to myself:
- A cup of tea before anyone wakes up
- A playlist that feels like my soul
- Taking 5 minutes to write in the Notes app: “Here’s what I felt today”
- Standing outside barefoot in the grass, face to the sun and saying: I remember who I am, I can be who I want to be
What helped:
Making these repeatable, not perfect. Tiny, sacred spaces to meet myself. No performance. No productivity. Just presence.
7. I Let Myself Say, “I Matter, Too.”
This might be the most powerful shift of all. The moment I started treating myself like someone worth showing up for, not just surviving for, not just getting by for — was the moment I began returning.
What helped:
Speaking to myself the way I speak to my children. Letting go of perfection and choosing presence. Saying “yes” to the version of me I’m still discovering
You Can Love Your Kids and Still Miss Yourself
Motherhood will shape you — but it shouldn’t erase you. I almost let it erase me, until one day I looked at my children and I realized that the infinite amount of love I had for them and gave to them- was the same love I deserved too.
If you feel like you’ve lost yourself… I want you to know that you are still in there. Not behind. Not broken. Not too far gone. She’s under the noise. Under the “shoulds”. Under the survival. And she’s waiting for you to come back — not as you were, but as you’re meant to be.
Need a Place to Begin?
Start with something gentle. Something grounding. I made the Calm Mom Reset Map for this exact season.
It’s FREE, printable, and it’s nervous system–friendly. It’s here when you feel like you can’t think straight.
👉 Download the free Calm Mom Map here
Gentle Next Steps:
Want to go deeper? Try one of these:
- Write a “Things That Make Me Feel Like Me” list
- Pick one forgotten hobby to re-explore
- Discover ways to reset your nervous system
- Set up a 10-minute weekly “self-ritual” just for you
- Explore The Remembered Motherhood Collective when you’re ready for more (coming soon!)
You are not meant to disappear inside motherhood. You are meant to expand — into someone softer, fuller, wilder, and deeply you.
With love,
