Our Kids Need Our Calm
It has taken me longer than I’d like to admit to realize that when our kids are feeling out of control, they are not looking for a solution – they are looking for the control they lost, in us.
I used to carry a lot of guilt when I couldn’t seem to figure out how to fix a melt down. I was always trying to find the right thing to say to stop the chaos and help calm my child down. I could feel their turbulence and I was desperate to stop it.
But the truth is – our kids do not need us to save the day. They just need to feel safe.
Over time, I have found a few simple phrases that help my toddler feel grounded again, even when the emotions are really high. They are truly simple, but yet so effective. Are these words going to be an instant cure? No. But when they come from a calm, loving place from their parent, they can be magic – even if you don’t realize it right in the moment.
And that is where the healing begins.
5 Calming Phrases To Calm The Storm
1. “I’m not mad. I’ll help you through this.”
One thing that I have learned? Sometimes when my toddler acts out – they feel they can’t “take it back”.
They understand that they may have done something “wrong”, especially if we have reacted negatively in the past…and it can be difficult for them to compose themselves again.
Telling my toddler “I’m not mad” gives them permission to try again. When I stay regulated helps them start to trust themselves again, and reminds them that they are still safe and loved even in their messiest moments.
2. “It’s okay to feel upset.”
Believe it or not, shame exists even at such a young age, and its often the hidden fuel behind prolonged emotional episodes. This phrase is huge in our home, because it gives permission to feel emotion without constrictions or judgement.
When children feel their feelings are “wrong”, it becomes so much harder for them to release them.
Teaching our children to feel their feelings is the best way we can help them to grow up feeling safe in their bodies and in their world.
3. “Your feelings are big, and they won’t last forever. Let’s feel them together.”
My toddler is just beginning to understand and label emotions – and with this comes the feeling of getting stuck. Sometimes, he can’t find the right words to describe how he feels, but he just knows that he’s upset.
This phrase gently reminds him: its okay to feel the feelings – and then to let them go. That we can feel deeply without getting stuck – but feel them nonetheless. “Let’s feel them together” lets them feel like they don’t have to do it alone. That I will sit with him in the storm until it clears.
4. “Let’s breathe together.”
I put one hand on my chest and take a slow, loud deep breath in. Kids LOVE to copy, good or bad – and when they copy your emotional regulation? That is emotional gold. The first few times they may not respond, but over time – your child may begin to model your actions. And with even more time, they may try doing it themselves without your help (this happens now in my home!)
My daughter was just 14 months old when she started to copy my deep breaths. She had been watching me do this with my older son and joined in. I sometimes don’t even have to say any words. Now my son will say “Mama I need to take a deep breath first.”
This practice doesn’t just calm them in the moment, but it plants a seed they will carry with them for a life time. Pause. Breathe. It will be ok.
5. “I’m here. You’re safe.”
Simple, yet everything. The most regulating thing we can give our child isn’t a solution—it’s our presence. This phrase reminds them the most important thing: that they are not alone, and that everything is going to be okay. And honestly? That is what they need the most.
Final Thoughts: You Just Need To Be There
You don’t have to find all the right things to say, and whatever you say doesn’t have to be perfect – sometimes words simply don’t heal as much as our presence does. What matters is that when the words we speak to our children in their most challenging moments come from a place of love, calm and stability – your child will not just hear it, they will feel it.
And little by little, you will both find your way back to peace.
You’ve got this. You are everything they need already.
Next time your child is having a hard moment – place a hand on your chest and try one of these phrases. And truthfully? Sometimes I’m not just saying them to my child, but to myself too. Because big moments are hard. But when we create the space to ground ourselves first, it’s an invitation for our kids to join us there.
And that is the most powerful gift of all.
